do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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