Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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