you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
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Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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