So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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