Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
