i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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