Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize