I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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