yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
