i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
