I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
