I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
