Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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