Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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