What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
