A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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