so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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