Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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