I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
