I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
