when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
last night I used snow as a chaser
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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