i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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