M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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