i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
