Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
