I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
