I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
