Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
