I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
