I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The feeling are messing with the penis
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
