He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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