Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
