I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
