We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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