Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
