I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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