im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
