I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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