hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
