k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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