my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
