My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
