Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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