...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
