i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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