Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
