I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
