i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
