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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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