my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
