I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
whose parrot is this?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
