I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I could make wine with my vomit
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
