so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
