This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
