Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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