When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just gargled with NyQuil
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
