He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
