My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
