my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
